False Labor Evening from Hell

I haven’t done much of anything for the last few days.  On Wednesday, I started having contractions at about 430.  Which…I’m apparently a “contractor” so not a big deal, right?  Wrong.  No, they don’t hurt like the “oh god I’m getting sawed in half” contractions of ACTUAL labor, but they’re exhausting.  And after a while, they DO start to hurt…I guess from muscle fatigue or something. 

So anyway, I started getting pretty regular contractions in the afternoon.  They were between 8 & 6 minutes apart, but they weren’t the HOLY CRAP ones, so I knew it was false labor.  Whew.  My relief lasted about an hour.  After a freaking HOUR of having a contraction every 6-8 minutes, I was beat.  After two hours, I was angry.  After 3 hours, I was a WRECK.  And Dylan chose to be all clingy all afternoon/evening, which is usually all endearing and adorable.  But he seems to think that my belly is a bouncy ball, and this was quite obviously NOT working for me. 

So I called Brad around 6ish and asked him if there was any way he could PLEASE come home and run interference for me.  No, I wasn’t in labor, but holy CRAP it was getting rough to deal with.  Plus, I hadn’t eaten in a few hours, so my blood sugar was crashing, and I REALLY didn’t want to eat because…well…anybody who’s had contractions knows that eating is…ah…difficult…at a time like that.  Even if they are the “fake” contractions.  Brad couldn’t leave work.  Awesome.  Actually what he said was “I can go in a couple of hours.”  So he could LEAVE work right at the time that I needed to put the little boy to bed.  Big help there.  Siiiigh.

So at 8, I put the kid to bed, and he had a mini-freak out that luckily only lasted for about 45 minutes, so I didn’t get homicidal or suicidal…just more frustrated and exhausted.  By about 930, the contractions had tapered off to about one every 15 minutes or so.  But the nameless baby kept GRINDING his head on my pubic bone.  And he was apparently pissed about his little uterus house getting all cramped and tight on him for 5 hours or so, so he was kicking the everlasting SHITE out of me.  Yay.  So I jumped in the bathtub to try to take some of the pressure off.  That actually helped a little, as long as I leaned over the edge of the tub and let my belly float…which made my legs cramp because we have a teensy little bathtub. 

So the hub came home around 10, I think, and gave me a hand getting out of the tub, but as soon as gravity hit me again, the contractions came back.  Not as bad…but about every 20 minutes or so.  By the time I went to bed at midnight, I was about 4 steps beyond miserable.  And while I was able to sleep though a lot of the discomfort, I was waking up about every 40 minutes as a BIG contraction hit me.  Awesome.  This is on top of the normal waking up every hour to go pee problem.  At about 6, I got up to go potty (yep.  I said “potty”) and blew out my mucous plug.  THAT was fucking lovely.  I thought for a few seconds that my water broke, but then I realized that it was TOTALLY the wrong consistency, and it also…ah….just sort of stopped after a few seconds.  Then I realized what it was, and got totally grossed out and had to completely change clothes because…well…yuk.  (imagine your hoo-hah blowing its nose.  Yeah.  LOVELY.)  >shudder<

So on Thursday, I broke down and called in a favor from my friend Sonya to please please please PLEASE watch my kid so that I could PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get some rest.  She did.  I owe this girl big time.  She kept the little monster for about 6 hours and I was able to straighten the house & then just LOUNGE for a few hours, listening to music & reading.  I think I may have fallen asleep for a few minutes, as well.  It was so needed.

Then Thursday night, I started having “fake” contractions AGAIN, for about an hour and a half, and then blew out what was left of my mucous plug.  This time, however, the lights were on and I was awake, so I had to SEE it.  Oooooooooooooooooooooooh god.  That’s enough to keep any rational woman on birth control for the rest of her life.  Needless to say, I almost threw up and jumped in the shower.  UUUUGH.

So today is Friday, and I’m thinking that this kid is gonna be here some time next week.  I’ve only had a couple of contractions since I woke up around 7ish, but the day is young and I seem to get them later in the day…I guess when I’m tired. 

So that’s where I’m at right now.  Awesome.  Now you know WAY more about my vagina than you ever wanted to know, right?  Sorry!  But if I had to look at a snot baby in my undies, you’ve got to read about it.  Blurgh.  I’m so glad I’ve decided to get my tubes tied as soon as this little monster is out of me.  ;)